What we gave up…

Today I got thinking about what we had given up. Individually and as a group. The answer seemed to be the same for all us. A future, a sliding door of possibilities that would never come to be.

I think I was naive entering into this situation. I think we all have been. I willfully gave up on a future with “A” and the dreams we had discussed. Given up without realising what it was or how that would manifest. In turn “A” & “D” have both given up their future together too and “A” his future with me.

Things are settling down slowly I guess. Jealousy is declining although pangs are still present now and again. I dont think that will ever go, I think I just have to get better identifying what it means. Its a fear of being left out when they are on a solo date. Its fear of them running away and leaving me behind. Ultimately its a fear of not being enough. I have to learn that I am. Have to tell myself that if this ends tomorrow I am going to fine, I will survive and fate will provide.

I have been on solo dates now with both of them and I am now starting to develop feelings for “D”. While at the same time having to watch “D” and “A” falling back in love. Part of me is happy that they are reconnecting part of me is terrified of where that could lead. I try not to think too far into the future. Our mind doesn’t care if we are happy, our mind wants us safe. It looks for the signs and interprets even when nothing is there.

This post is seeming pretty negative but I want to be as honest about this situation as I can. It is not easy dating two people and it is pretty exhausting when you factor in feelings and interpretation. That’s even before the sexual side of the equation. Again I am not wanting to concentrate too much there other than that seems to be going fine for everyone……..I say fine but I mean excellent haha.

There have been moments of pure joy in this too. In those moments I can see our futures combined and everything else fades to the back. It feels normal when we are together and right. It feels like we all want this to work but have to work out the bumps in the road. We all get along well and have a great time. I think I love them both…..

Throuple Jealousy or Envy

Following on from my post yesterday I wanted to talk about jealousy within a throuple.  I am no expert been in one, it is really new to me.  Maybe I will feel differently in a few weeks who knows? But this is my experience so far.

Following on from the initial meeting between us. There have been times where I have felt Jealousy or Envy.  A few examples are. When we are whatsapping and they both show “online” but neither of them have read my messages for 10 mins. When they have phone calls on the nights I am not there.  I just have to tell me self they are allowed, they are allowed to have alone time, they are allowed to have sex, they are allowed to have their own secrets. I should be encouraging that….right? I mean I am getting to see “A” regularly and having phone calls with “D” why is this so scary?

Another thing I have noticed is my relationship with “A” is suffering.  We spend most of the time talking about “D” or the 3 of us. Or about the jealousy/ envy / feeling left out, rather than what made us what to be in a couple in the first place.  I stayed over at “A”s this past weekend and it wasn’t the best weekend we have spent together. For many reasons. We had some alone time some of it was good. At times it felt forced or weird and I just cant shift the feeling of envy. That he would rather “D” was there. Maybe I read to much into things. Maybe my sobriety has made my feelings feel more intense than they should.

I sometimes wonder if I opened Pandora’s box by saying yes to the three, I did say yes though and it wouldn’t be fair to say no at this point.  My only option now is to walk away from them both. I dont want to do that I want to keep going. I just worry my jealousy is going to get in the way of the relationships

I thought I’d done writing this post but today I couldn’t bring myself to answer any of their messages. I didnt have the energy within me to feed into it anymore. Last night I convinced myself that they were …..playing together and excluding me. I freaked out and didnt sleep. I eventually messaged and broke down. I feel I have pushed “A” to breaking point today. I feel he is ready to walk away from it all just so he can have peace. Who would blame him…..

I will keep you updated

Stay safe, stay kind xx

P

An End – A beginning

I guess it has been a while since I wrote a post huh….. 2020 has been a ride. Had highs and lows but set to end the year in a really positive way.

Let’s start with what ended.

Firstly I split with my boyfriend of 12 years. The decision and process was relatively easy.  Maybe I had already grieved the relationship before it actually ended.  It wasn’t working it was co-dependence, it was easy, it wasn’t love.  I suffered so much with anxiety and allowed my partner to do things that I should have been doing myself.  No fault on him but I became reliant. It wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Add a daily weed and drink habit and it lead to an easy life. There was no love left anymore not sure there ever was.

Lockdown made me see that I was no longer being true to myself.  I was hiding behind the numbness of weed and alcohol.  It has been over 100 days since I drank or smoked weed.  I have started running again keeping fit, keeping my mind clear, getting in shape.  I am no marathon runner but am getting a little better each time.

Now for the positive beginnings..

Around 3 months ago I met a guy for ease let’s call him “A”. It wasn’t set to be anything more than friendship. We had both gone through breakups and with the world as it is, both in need of a friend.  The more time we spent together the more feelings developed. It wasn’t the easiest relationship start up. it took a while for walls to come down and for closeness to come.  He was grieving for the death of his father and the loss of his last relationship as well as other personal issues.

I knew he still loved his ex.  This didn’t come as a shock because he had remained in contact with him and I knew that he still loved him.  I knew this because the guilt came across into our relationship, at times “A” would stop himself doing things out of guilt. 

What did suprise me was that he wanted to open our relationship to include, let’s call him “D”.  He wasn’t suggesting an open relationship it was strictly limited to the 3.

I wasn’t turned off at the idea. I was relieved to be honest. That this would finally mean that everything would be on the table and out there.  He could have both guys that he loves.  He tells me he loves me, I love him and believe him when he says it.  He doesnt just say it he shows it. An example is when I had a really bad day with anxiety and feeling worthless. He reassured me and talked me down.  Expecting nothing in return.  that is just one instance

He is an easy guy to be with I have shared some of my darkest secrets and he has never judged me for them. He has opened up to me in ways that I am not used to.  I dont think I have been in love like this before……..maybe ever if this is how it feels.

I digress…I say I was suprised but thinking on it not really.  He said he would speak to “D” and let me know what happened.  I guess I need to give you some info about “D”. He isnt out to his parents and has some issues that he is working on. Anxiety been the main one but also some compulsive disorders.  Maybe shame too from a Catholic upbringing. 

“A” said that “D” was like a rabbit in a headlight at first. It was the first he had heard of me too which I guess would be hard enough.  By the end of their call he said he agreed to it but needed a couple of days to think it through.  He was reassured that it was just going to be a text conversation to begin with between me and him taking things a day at a time.  A few days later “A” gave me “D” number and I messaged. 

It was awkward at first, like really awkward, like elevator talk via text awkward.  I just kept pushing on as I am pretty chatty and suggested a Q&A where we took turns asking each other questions and it worked. Conversations grew from simple questions and I felt like we were getting to know each other. More of friendship than a romance at that point. There would be times I would message and “D” wouldn’t reply. Lost in his thoughts most probably.

After a few days “A” messaged and asked of we would both like to stop at his over the weekend (the weekend before last). We both agreed with feeling of anxiety and excitement the weekend came. 

“D” lives about 1hr 30 away and doesn’t drive so “A” went to get him. If I am being honest that is when I had my first pangs of jealousy / envy over the situation but shrugged it away.   I was at “A”s house waiting for them them. I was looking after his dog as he has hurt his paw.

“D” walked in and we hugged.  The first night was the weirdest we watched Discovery on netflix had some pizza, talked and watched a movie.  “A” seemed happy he felt comfortable to cuddle us both and to bridge the gap. It was nice not awkward, no jealousy. We had a great evening.  Then came bed time….no one has a bed big enough for 3 guys really. So “A” suggested me and “D” slept together in the big bed and he would sleep on a fold out. I tried to protest as I didnt want “D” to feel awkward about it but it was decided.

None of us slept that night. Mix of excitement, nerves and overthinking from all of us. In the early hours “A” crawled into the middle of me and “D” maybe out of fear of being left out. That started a chain effect where he kissed us both and the flood gate opened to the most erotic experience of my life. I won’t go too into detail other than.  It was passionate, intense, inclusive and it felt right.  Afterwards we all laid there ice truly broken and comfortably naked.  We watched the sun rise through the skyline window and it felt nice.

Saturday was even better there was a sense of normality. Like everyone had let go of fear and just was themselves.  We went for a hike on the moors. Ate lunch and me and “D” got to be alone at the supermarket while “A” walked the dog.  Nothing felt forced nothing felt weird it just felt right.  On Saturday night however i had another pang of envy. Because they were and have been together (I cant say he is his ex now) they have their own couple language. Their friends from the past and experiences.  I felt a little left out not being able to contribute to those conversations. Not knowing their past or the people. Having a thought that “D” wasnt joining my relationship with “A” it was more likely to be the other way around. 

I spoke to “D” about it first, feeling comfortable enough to do so. He reassured me and made me see that he was nervous, so he just went to familiar patter to try and ease himself.  I then spoke to “A” who said that if this didn’t work out he would want to be with me and not “D” and that the relationship with him was over.  That this is a new relationship and there were reasons why they ended. So he didn’t want a 1 on 1  relationship with “D”.  He also said that if I changed my mind we could call it off, I didnt and dont want to do that.  Plus I feel like the ball was already rolling so I couldn’t let it roll back up the hill.  I felt calmer and more assured again.

We watched another movie and then went to bed again another night of amazing comfortable nakedness.  I dont want to focus too much on the sex. Yes it happened but the relationship for us doesn’t feel like its all about that.  A few people that I have told have had that initial judgement.  For us its about much more.  That’s what makes it complicated.  Its a meeting of broken minds.  All three of us are a little broken have anxiety and need reassuring now and then. That said there is honesty from all of us about what we feel, what we fear and what we need. Its still early doors but I feel optimistic for the future with both of them.

On Sunday after a bit of breakfast I drove “D” back. We had a good conversation in the car stopped and when we got to his town I asked of he wanted to spend some time together. He agreed. We had an amazing time walking around his home town. A place I had never been seeing the sights and him knowledgeable of the area was like having a personal tour guide. He talked about his relationship with “A”, his life and dreams and I finally felt like I was starting to know him. The time.came to say goodbye I had to park around the corner from his house so his parents didn’t see. We didn’t kiss goodbye but both wanted to so eI told him that we would do a finger kiss and our fingers touched and he got out of the car.

Afterwards I went back to “A”s for a little while we talked a little. Cuddles a little and it was great. Felt weird not to have “D” with us which was a good sign.

So that was over a week ago now. I will write another post tomorrow about how the jealousy and the fear of being left out has affected us all in the past week. So much so that me and “A” had a weird weekend because of it. We are in a good place now we had a lengthy talk yesterday but I feel its important to be honest with you all on the reality of being in a throuple (god I hate that word). Its not all about sex its about trust, honesty, kindness and selflessness. I realise that that are 4 relationships. “A” and me, “D” and me, “D” and “A” and the one with us all. You have to be encouraging of the other ones have to be selfless and let them have 1 on 1 time. Its hard….anyway more on that tomorrow.

Stay safe, stay strong

P

Continue reading “An End – A beginning”

11th February 2019 – Dad and Mental Health

Today I decided to create my Word Press Site to release some of the feelings and thoughts I have. I have a lot of things to say and I feel like I want to say everything at once, while at the same time I feel like I am struggling to start.

Lets start with this, I am 33 years old, I am a man and i live in Yorkshire. I suffer from anxiety and don’t have the friendliest of internal dialogues. That has kind of been holding me back from doing something like this. A head filled with “who will read that” “no one cares” funnily these are the kinder thoughts…

I’m not sure when this started but i know when it got worse. My dad died a couple of years ago and with his death brought a lot of resentment, a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of repressed thoughts and feelings.

Me and my dad weren’t particularly close but we could tolerate each other. I left home very young as i just wasn’t happy there. I lived in a very poor household with 3 siblings, went to the worst school in the county at the time. Anyway i digress but just wanted to give a bit of background.

My rang me, i will never forget the day as it was my birthday, to tell me he had found out he had lung and liver cancer. I was completely unprepared as I thought he was ringing to wish me a happy birthday. The air was knocked out of me. I felt nothing, not sad ,not anything, just nothing. At first i thought it was shock of the news but after a few months of not feeling anything about anything i knew something was wrong.

I went to the doctors…correction a very good friend made me go to the doctors as i was just a walking zombie. I’d avoid going out id even lie to work to get days off as i just couldn’t handle people. The doctor referred me to a psychiatric service run by the NHS.

However, it was 3 months due to the waiting lists and the demand of the service. In the meantime he prescribed me some meds. Now personally i didn’t like these they made me feel worse and made me say whatever inappropriate thought i had in my head at the time. So i came off them.

My first experience with the psychiatric service was a group setting. Mindfulness, each week we would go and talk about a specific topic. Week 1 was depression, week 2 happiness etc. They also included mindfulness excersizes to help us when out in the “real world” to deal with things like panic attacks and anxiety.

This was all at the same time that Dad was getting chemo, blood transfusions and radiotherapy. In Nov he told us that he didn’t want anymore treatments they made his life hell . The chemo would effect him that badly that he would end up been admitted to hospital every couple of weeks and life got hard.

Mum also has health problems as she has COPD so at times we had mum in the hospital in one town and dad in hospital in another town. I don’t know whether this is country wide but we have some facilities such as Oncology available in one town and not the other.

Everytime either was in hospital i would go…apart from one night, 9th December, I truly regret. My mum phones me and asked if i would go to the hospital as dad was in again. Now i would normally but this was like 9pm and i had been drinking. I said i couldn’t as i would have to drive. That would / could have been the last time i could of actually spoken to my dad.

on the 10th i was meant to be at a mindfulness session but just had this feeling in my gut that i should go to the hospital. Dad had been moved to a private side room. I was the only person there dad was in a feverish sleep. Muttering, non cohesive words like matrix and arse……rambling dripping in sweat. The nurse came and said: “you should call your family and tell them all to come, i have seen this a lot i’m sorry to say but we don’t think he is going to make it through the night”. I took her at her word as she seemed genuine and I knew that someone in her position wouldn’t risk her job like that.

I called everyone my mum, my sibling, my uncles and aunties so everyone had the chance to say goodbye. at 11pm he died. Again i felt this nothingness again i thought it was shock, the funeral was the 23rd December again i didn’t cry couldn’t feel anything. That’s when I was referred to 1-2-1 psych help…

I am going to leave it there as this post is already seeming pretty long. I will write about my experience with the 1-2-1 in the next post and the things that came out of it.

Until then take care

yours truly

P