An End – A beginning

I guess it has been a while since I wrote a post huh….. 2020 has been a ride. Had highs and lows but set to end the year in a really positive way.

Let’s start with what ended.

Firstly I split with my boyfriend of 12 years. The decision and process was relatively easy.  Maybe I had already grieved the relationship before it actually ended.  It wasn’t working it was co-dependence, it was easy, it wasn’t love.  I suffered so much with anxiety and allowed my partner to do things that I should have been doing myself.  No fault on him but I became reliant. It wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Add a daily weed and drink habit and it lead to an easy life. There was no love left anymore not sure there ever was.

Lockdown made me see that I was no longer being true to myself.  I was hiding behind the numbness of weed and alcohol.  It has been over 100 days since I drank or smoked weed.  I have started running again keeping fit, keeping my mind clear, getting in shape.  I am no marathon runner but am getting a little better each time.

Now for the positive beginnings..

Around 3 months ago I met a guy for ease let’s call him “A”. It wasn’t set to be anything more than friendship. We had both gone through breakups and with the world as it is, both in need of a friend.  The more time we spent together the more feelings developed. It wasn’t the easiest relationship start up. it took a while for walls to come down and for closeness to come.  He was grieving for the death of his father and the loss of his last relationship as well as other personal issues.

I knew he still loved his ex.  This didn’t come as a shock because he had remained in contact with him and I knew that he still loved him.  I knew this because the guilt came across into our relationship, at times “A” would stop himself doing things out of guilt. 

What did suprise me was that he wanted to open our relationship to include, let’s call him “D”.  He wasn’t suggesting an open relationship it was strictly limited to the 3.

I wasn’t turned off at the idea. I was relieved to be honest. That this would finally mean that everything would be on the table and out there.  He could have both guys that he loves.  He tells me he loves me, I love him and believe him when he says it.  He doesnt just say it he shows it. An example is when I had a really bad day with anxiety and feeling worthless. He reassured me and talked me down.  Expecting nothing in return.  that is just one instance

He is an easy guy to be with I have shared some of my darkest secrets and he has never judged me for them. He has opened up to me in ways that I am not used to.  I dont think I have been in love like this before……..maybe ever if this is how it feels.

I digress…I say I was suprised but thinking on it not really.  He said he would speak to “D” and let me know what happened.  I guess I need to give you some info about “D”. He isnt out to his parents and has some issues that he is working on. Anxiety been the main one but also some compulsive disorders.  Maybe shame too from a Catholic upbringing. 

“A” said that “D” was like a rabbit in a headlight at first. It was the first he had heard of me too which I guess would be hard enough.  By the end of their call he said he agreed to it but needed a couple of days to think it through.  He was reassured that it was just going to be a text conversation to begin with between me and him taking things a day at a time.  A few days later “A” gave me “D” number and I messaged. 

It was awkward at first, like really awkward, like elevator talk via text awkward.  I just kept pushing on as I am pretty chatty and suggested a Q&A where we took turns asking each other questions and it worked. Conversations grew from simple questions and I felt like we were getting to know each other. More of friendship than a romance at that point. There would be times I would message and “D” wouldn’t reply. Lost in his thoughts most probably.

After a few days “A” messaged and asked of we would both like to stop at his over the weekend (the weekend before last). We both agreed with feeling of anxiety and excitement the weekend came. 

“D” lives about 1hr 30 away and doesn’t drive so “A” went to get him. If I am being honest that is when I had my first pangs of jealousy / envy over the situation but shrugged it away.   I was at “A”s house waiting for them them. I was looking after his dog as he has hurt his paw.

“D” walked in and we hugged.  The first night was the weirdest we watched Discovery on netflix had some pizza, talked and watched a movie.  “A” seemed happy he felt comfortable to cuddle us both and to bridge the gap. It was nice not awkward, no jealousy. We had a great evening.  Then came bed time….no one has a bed big enough for 3 guys really. So “A” suggested me and “D” slept together in the big bed and he would sleep on a fold out. I tried to protest as I didnt want “D” to feel awkward about it but it was decided.

None of us slept that night. Mix of excitement, nerves and overthinking from all of us. In the early hours “A” crawled into the middle of me and “D” maybe out of fear of being left out. That started a chain effect where he kissed us both and the flood gate opened to the most erotic experience of my life. I won’t go too into detail other than.  It was passionate, intense, inclusive and it felt right.  Afterwards we all laid there ice truly broken and comfortably naked.  We watched the sun rise through the skyline window and it felt nice.

Saturday was even better there was a sense of normality. Like everyone had let go of fear and just was themselves.  We went for a hike on the moors. Ate lunch and me and “D” got to be alone at the supermarket while “A” walked the dog.  Nothing felt forced nothing felt weird it just felt right.  On Saturday night however i had another pang of envy. Because they were and have been together (I cant say he is his ex now) they have their own couple language. Their friends from the past and experiences.  I felt a little left out not being able to contribute to those conversations. Not knowing their past or the people. Having a thought that “D” wasnt joining my relationship with “A” it was more likely to be the other way around. 

I spoke to “D” about it first, feeling comfortable enough to do so. He reassured me and made me see that he was nervous, so he just went to familiar patter to try and ease himself.  I then spoke to “A” who said that if this didn’t work out he would want to be with me and not “D” and that the relationship with him was over.  That this is a new relationship and there were reasons why they ended. So he didn’t want a 1 on 1  relationship with “D”.  He also said that if I changed my mind we could call it off, I didnt and dont want to do that.  Plus I feel like the ball was already rolling so I couldn’t let it roll back up the hill.  I felt calmer and more assured again.

We watched another movie and then went to bed again another night of amazing comfortable nakedness.  I dont want to focus too much on the sex. Yes it happened but the relationship for us doesn’t feel like its all about that.  A few people that I have told have had that initial judgement.  For us its about much more.  That’s what makes it complicated.  Its a meeting of broken minds.  All three of us are a little broken have anxiety and need reassuring now and then. That said there is honesty from all of us about what we feel, what we fear and what we need. Its still early doors but I feel optimistic for the future with both of them.

On Sunday after a bit of breakfast I drove “D” back. We had a good conversation in the car stopped and when we got to his town I asked of he wanted to spend some time together. He agreed. We had an amazing time walking around his home town. A place I had never been seeing the sights and him knowledgeable of the area was like having a personal tour guide. He talked about his relationship with “A”, his life and dreams and I finally felt like I was starting to know him. The time.came to say goodbye I had to park around the corner from his house so his parents didn’t see. We didn’t kiss goodbye but both wanted to so eI told him that we would do a finger kiss and our fingers touched and he got out of the car.

Afterwards I went back to “A”s for a little while we talked a little. Cuddles a little and it was great. Felt weird not to have “D” with us which was a good sign.

So that was over a week ago now. I will write another post tomorrow about how the jealousy and the fear of being left out has affected us all in the past week. So much so that me and “A” had a weird weekend because of it. We are in a good place now we had a lengthy talk yesterday but I feel its important to be honest with you all on the reality of being in a throuple (god I hate that word). Its not all about sex its about trust, honesty, kindness and selflessness. I realise that that are 4 relationships. “A” and me, “D” and me, “D” and “A” and the one with us all. You have to be encouraging of the other ones have to be selfless and let them have 1 on 1 time. Its hard….anyway more on that tomorrow.

Stay safe, stay strong


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